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The Year 2004


January 1 - Democratic Presidential Hopeful (DoH) John Kerry asks his wife, Tereza, for a loan to run for President. Tereza laughs and reminds John about the pre-nup.

January 15 - George Soros announces hewill spend “whatever it takes to defeat George W. Bush“, essentially declaring that he, a foreign currency trader, intends to buy the election.

January 19 - John Kerry wins the Iowa Caucus. Howard Dean’s scream ends his viability as a candidate. America smiles.

January 20 - President Bush addresses a Joint Session of Congress, for the State of the Union speech. John Kerry is miffed that he did not get equal time.

February 1 - The New England Patriots beat the Carolina Panthers in Superbowl XXXVIII. John Kerry later claims he was a starter, or at least wrote the playbook.

February 24 - Tereza informs America that she considers herself an ‘African-American’. A gagging sound is heard from the NAACP, as they restrain themselves from responding.

February 25 - Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” opens in American cinemas. There are no reported outbreaks of violence or protests, the film sets records for the season, and the world continues to rotate on its axis, to the consternation of the ACLU.

February 27 -The National Journal ranks John Kerry as the nation’s most Liberal Senator.

March 11 - Terrorists bomb a train station in Madrid, killing 190 and wounding more than 1,200. Spain goes Frenchy in their elections, and pulls out from the Iraq Coalition. Osama, Chirac, and Kerry cheer. Spain mourns its losses, while the Marines gut it up and move on.

March 23 - Democrats, noting their sliding numbers in the polls, blame President Bush for the “wanton, deliberate, and unrestrained use of facts” in his campaign commercials.

April 12 - John Kerry admits that his first Purple Heart had nothing to do with combat

April 19 -Polipundit announces he is bringing Guest Bloggers on board. The Democratic Party protests the use of intellect and rational analysis in an election year.

April 22 - Documents are released, revealing the first evidence of the United Nations’ Oil-for-Food scandal.

April 22 - Pat Tillman is killed in Afghanistan. The reactions from Right and Left illustrate the stakes in the election decision.

April 30 - The New York Times breaks the Abu Ghraib scandal, is also the first to blame the Bush Administration for the scandal, even though no connection is ever demonstrated.

May 11 - General Vo Nguyen Giap thanks John Kerry for his personal efforts to insure a Communist victory in Vietnam.

May 21 - In one of his more prescient moments, John Kerry considers not accepting the Democratic nomination at the Democratic National Convention, but as usual, changed his mind several times.

June 1 - In a blatant and clumsy effort to claim the VP nod, suitor John Edwards follows gifts of flowers, chocolate, jewelry and BreckTM haircare products with some cheesy poetry. Scholars later debate which did the trick.

June 5 - American legend Ronald Reagan dies.

June 10 - MoveOn.org carries an advertisement comparing President Bush to Adolf Hitler. The ad runs for over 30 days.

June 11 - State Funeral and National Day of Mourning for President Ronald Reagan. Democrats suffer severe lacerations from having to bite their tongues for the entire week.

June 25 - Michael Moore’s Slanderama, “Falsify 9/11” is released in movie theaters.

June 28 - Iraqi Sovereignty is restored to the Interim Government. Iraqis cheer, the Left goes into denial.

July 12 - WhoMe.org finally “discovers” the Bush=Hitler ad on its site, leaves it playing for 48 hours after admitting it was there, then denies any connection, support, or advocacy. Moron.org also fails to apologize for the slander.

July 16 - Tereza explains to a reporter, “You pay taxes, I don’t“

July 19 - Clinton henchman Sandy “Pantsburglar” Berger is investigated for stealing classified documents from the National Archives.

July 25 -Tereza, having just finished a speech where she called for a more civil tone in politics, tells Pittsburgh Tribune reporter Colin McNickle, to “Shove it!".

July 27 - Michael Moore’s “political independent” claim is belied by his VIP treatment at the Democratic National Convention, which he accepts as his due.

August 2 - The first Swift Boat Veterans for Truth commercial begins to air. Democrats react in panic, vitriol, and litigation, citing damage caused by an intense allergy to truth and integrity.

August 13 -After embarrassment by Swift Boat ads, John Kerry is forced to admit that he did not, in fact, visit Cambodia, after all.

August 13-29 - At the Olympics in Athens, the United States wins 103 medals, of which John Kerry admits to throwing “several” away, even though none were his.

August 29 -Laura Bush wows America at the Republican National Convention. Tereza and Hillary sulk to such an extent, that their residences are designated “Depression Danger Zones” for the next 90 days.

September 1 - Terrorists in Beslan murder 350 civilians, mostly children and women.

September 8 - CBS Parody Show “60 Versions” uses forged documents in an attempt to slander and defame President Bush. The fraud is quickly discovered by American citizens with access to working minds, a commodity lacking in the network towers. Network executives are shocked to discover that they will be held to standards, after all.

September 11th - The vicious attacks by terrorists on our nation, and the heroic sacrifice made by our troops, are remembered by the citizens and veterans of America. John and John catch up on “Sex in the City".

October 9 - The first-ever free elections in Afghanistan are held. John Kerry demands to know why he wasn’t on the ballot in Kabul.

October 20 - Tereza informs America that mothers do not have “real jobs”

October 27 - The Boston Red Sox win the 2004 World Series in a sweep. John Kerry claims it was his pep talk which rallied the team. A pitcher names Schilling sets the record straight on national television.

November 2 - In a stunning upset, America decides to keep the man as President, who actually seems to know what he’s doing, and who actually is known to possess and use a backbone.

November 11 - “Saving Private Ryan” is shown, uncut, on national network television.

November 23 - Dan Rather announces his resignation from the CBS Evening Pravda desk, preferring to skulk in the background as a “contributor” to “60 Excuses” and other network fare.

-- DJ Drummond